The following was written a bit more than a week ago – I didn’t post because even though it felt very real at the time, I knew I was being dramatic and it would pass and I didn’t want to post it and panic the people who care about me, at least not while I was in the middle of it.
I promise you with all my heart I am fine now. I’m back to my mischievous, naughty self and I can see a road of hope ahead of me…. So hip hip hooray to that……
In fact I can see more than a road of hope. I am ready to dance bare foot in the moonlight and risk being alive and happy.
But I promised you a truthful insight of coming off this insidious drug. A drug that vowed to save me and here is is, warts and all…..
Nearly 2 weeks ago…..
My name is Sarah Jane and I am an addict.
After 15 years on fluoxetine – I’ve been ‘clean’ from Prozac for 2 months now and I can honestly say for the past 2 weeks I have sometimes thought the only freedom I could find would be if I fell asleep and never woke up again. I function during the day but there have been nights when I have cried all night long with the feeling that I simply cannot carry on. I don’t mean that I want to kill myself… I really don’t – I’ve just felt such despair and I wish someone would swoop in and rescue me. I haven’t felt like that in a very long time, it’s petrifying. I’ve cried because I know I have no fight left. I have had enough and I wish with all my being that someone or something could just take it all away.
I don’t ever remember feeling so desperate and I can’t even relay to you fully in words, the utter feeling of panic, loneliness and sadness those nights of tears have brought me. It’s like the floor has gone from underneath me to reveal a never-ending black hole. I’m holding on to the sides of it by my finger tips but frighteningly I’m starting to wonder why I am holding on at all, people are trying their best to pull me out but something has a hold of me and I could be lost forever. I almost want to be lost forever.
I’m lucky because lots of people want to save me. Some amazing golden people are trying so hard to save me. But it’s like they can’t see the abyss beneath me. They don’t understand why I can’t just take their hand and walk away from it and you know what, I probably can. I do know it’s all an illusion but at this moment in time I’m stuck stead fast in my illusion that I’m about to fall. I think I’ve known the threat of falling my whole life but now I just don’t know how much longer I want to cling on for. I’m tired of holding on. The black hole never goes away.
And then this week I remembered ….. Prozac could take it all away.
Prozac is the answer, my saviour. Prozac, the warrior that will make me fight on. Prozac will make me care and will be the reason to battle through.
I was so excited by this revelation I almost felt relief, but people around me said, “Look how far you’ve come”, and “You don’t need it, you can do this.” Ironically, I did find I had enough fight to tell them, I did need it and that they were wrong.
So I went to my counsellor this week with a steely determination of getting back on Prozac to save my dwindling life force. So sick am I, I didn’t care if I let you all down if I returned to the Prozac Zombie… I didn’t care – I had convinced myself it was the best thing to do. I’d tried and failed and I was very happy to accept that I’m a failure.
However, all did not go to plan! Instead of putting me back on Prozac she gave me some very unexpected news. She said, “Of course you want to go back on it, you are an addict.”
I can tell you now, that was a fucking surprise to me! I knew their would be some physical withdrawal when I stopped taking it. Which I’m pleased to say, two months later have finally all gone. But psychological withdrawal? An addict? I didn’t consider that would be a major issue, which is very naive of me now I come to think of it. I suppose I thought I’d just trip along in to the sunset, no longer a Prozac Zombie. I didn’t once think I’d fall into the rabbit hole and be begging the queen of hearts to cut off my head!
The thing is, I know what it’s like to be an addict. I was bulimic and I’ve had other problems, so I did not think for one minute Prozac would have the same effect on me once I stopped taking it. I didn’t think I’d play games with my own mind to convince myself it was ok to take it, like I have done with food etc.
I know what it’s like to ‘get clean’. I just never thought in a million years that coming off Prozac would be a similar process to other addictions and actually at this moment in time it feels a millions times harder.
Even if a person comes off illegal drugs there are meetings they can go to. There is help. When a person comes off Prozac, unless you have the money to pay for a counsellor, you are on your own and I can tell you from my experience, it’s not possible. Without my counsellor I’d have been back in 60mg a day without stopping for breath.
Prozac has always been my saviour. It’s going to be such a hard habit to kick. It’s not illegal. There are no meetings for me to go to. It’s not recognised as a drug you can be psychologically addicted to by society and even worse for me at this point in time, it did help me. So what the fuck am I going to do? I CANNOT be bulimic again, I just cant and I can sometimes feel that particular demon pulling at me again since I banished Prozac. It’s under control but for how long? I can hear it calling me…. Can I fight that without Prozac?
How on earth do I fight the ache inside me that tells me to go back on it? How can I fight it, when Prozac is the drug that gives me ability to fight?
I haven’t gone back on it and I suppose like all addictions I’ll just have to take it one day at a time. I never would have thought that coming off a prescription drug could be so tough. I’m told I could be fighting this off for at least a year. I’m shocked there’s no real help in the NHS (I’d get more help if I were addicted to heroine). I can’t afford my private counsellor, but I can’t afford not to see her either.
I don’t want to feel like this any more and for anyone who is sane and thinks its a choice to just keep walking the line, it’s really not …… because if it was that easy don’t you think we who look helplessly at the abyss would just chose to look the other way at the sunshine? We can see the light there but the darkness calls our name so much louder and because of that, we fear it’s where we belong.
I want to care about my life, but without Prozac I guess I’m gonna have to relearn how exactly I do that.
Right now, I want to be a happy Prozac Zombie again. I want that safety net. I don’t want me. I’ve got what I asked for at the start of my blog, I’ve got my soul back and it’s battered and bruised and broken. It’s unrecognisable and it has no fight. I’ve got a soul back but sadly it’s a soul that’s had enough and yes, maybe that’s because it’s been crushed in to a Prozac box and now it doesn’t know how to live….
I should be excited at the prospect of experiencing life in all it’s glory, I have so many great things to look forward to and I should be like an excited child and embracing learning a new way of how to live again ….. but there’s nothing there but tiredness.
That hazy rainbow of Prozac hope all coloured green and yellow has gone. I don’t like it not being there and I don’t know how to live my life without it.
The good news? I only have 2 choices…. Sink or swim. Hahahaha and I’ve made myself laugh in saying that, because I actually can’t swim!
My name is Sarah Jane Honeywell and I am an addict…….
……………………………………
Like I say I wrote that nearly 2 weeks ago. I’m not back on Prozac, I’m not desperately sad and I’m not bulimic or neglecting myself and my needs.
I can honestly say…. Life is good xxx
Thanks for reading xxx
an hour of therapy beats a 100yrs of pills x
Your honesty is amazing. You might not feel it, but your strength in facing this is amazing. Xx
Keep fighting hon, give us a shout when you need support. I’ve found such amazing support on here and twitter, so many times they’ve saved me from myself.
They weight of “cloudy days” are hard to bear, it’s hard to wait for the sunshine to burst through. But it always does. X
Thank you xxx
Hi sj xx glad you’re feeling better than last week. I know how you were feeling as my partner had the same feelings last week after an episode mixing the drink and fluxotine. She is now stopped the fluxotine but is on diazepam at the min which helps but makes her very tired. This has all come about from her father passing away 2 weeks ago and it finally hit home last Monday.
I really hope she and you can beat this problem and as you say there is no help out there without it being a mental issue or paying for it. Stay strong and positive. Blessed be. Love Tim and Rachael xx
Thank u and love to u both! Thanks for your never waning support – it means more than u know xxx
I just want to say thank you for sharing your experiences with such truth- almost the whole truth (I wonder what Columbo would ask?? – just one more question ma’am) I work giving advice to people and I feel I dont understand their full picture. Now through reading your blog I am shading in some of the outlines Ive seen. Stay strong munchkini. You keep shsring and I will keep supporting…… When you sack that bra job bloke…dont look too far from here… #justsaying
Haha thank u xxx
Lots of love..Xxx
Extremely strong young lady. I never imagined there was two of me, let alone several. I refused the drugs, but feel the same.
Once again such and honest and insightful piece of writing, thanks for sharing your battle SJ, I do hope you keep finding the strength, as for now swimming lessons might be a plan?
g xx
Brave girl! What an incredibly tough thing to be going through. Hopefully the message will help some others from falling into the trap of addictive prescription drugs. xxxx
so much love to you for sharing that must be really difficult but good to put in writing to see how far you have come. I experienced similar feelings when I stopped Seroxat but that was 10 years ago and I can honestly say it WILL get better just take it a minute at a time, distract yourself all you can, I kept a packet just incase but never took any its still there in the draw 7yrs out of date. I found EMDR therapyn really helped me you can get this on the NHS. Good luck with your fight, sending you prayers.
Well done to you babe. I’ve never been on Prozac but I’m on others. I really like the idea of not relying in these things but the thought of going down that spiral of unkown sadness and desperation because u feel so awfull for no apperent reason is just petrifying, I think if they make me ‘normal ‘ well that’s the way it has to be ! I really admire you and hope you keep powering through this xxxx
SJ, you are just amazing. That is all. xxx
I’m facing the fact that after so many years I may never get off Prozac now, I think I’ll be stuck on 8mg forever, the withdrawals have been so debilitating, I would need to go into rehab for a year or two and put my life on hold, however I live in the real world and have a family and a job and this isn’t an option 😦
I find it strange that after the way drugs like this were handed out like sweets a few decades ago the medical establishment have not realised how much help people can need after taking this legal drug (that was supposed to have been helping you). There are many people who love you through your work,music and through this blog,who have seen what you have been up against and the strength that you have shown i am sure has helped others who are going through the same type of thing (legal or illegal drugs) and i just want to thank you for what you have given people by allowing us to know of what you are battleing with. xx P.S my daughters favourite picture in all the world (even more than peppa pig) is the one of you as a fairy leaning on a leaf.
Thanks for posting this Sarah, I too am an addict, I’m on 40mg of Prozac a day, I’m scared to come off it, but like any addict it has to be your choice to come off. I’m not sure if I’m ready or strong enough yet, I sometimes only take half my dose and I can feel the negativity coming back in.
Your post has give me some hope though that one day l will be able to conquer it.
All the best xx