Merry Christmas fellow punks and non punks – hoping your hearts have grown with Christmas joy today. Yes I know, its Christmas day and an unusual day to write a blog, but as its my only day off this festive season, I thought it was as good a time as any to note down how I’m feeling.

First of all I am please to report I am Prozac free and I have been for about a week! So yay, merry Christmas to the real me.

I chose to be on my own today which I know has freaked my family and some of my friends out a bit….. I love them so much for respecting my decision and for letting me be selfish and be by myself while at the same time, letting me know they love me and they are there for me, that’s the best Christmas gift ever – freedom and unconditional love.

Weirdly I feel anything but lonely. I’ve had christmases in the past where I’ve been with everyone I love and yet felt completely alone because deep down I was struggling but felt unable to express that for fear of ruining their Christmas. You know how sometimes you can be surrounded by people and still feel like the loneliest person in the world – well I think Christmas day can make a lot of people who suffer with depression feel like that. In fact, I think we all experience that at some point in our lives.

Not today though. I am alone, but my heart is full to the brim with other peoples love and I am very grateful for that. I have been in undated with messages from people I would never have dreamed would remember me today, especially when their heads are full of the magic of their own Christmas. They have made me feel quite special without even knowing what they have done.

I’ve just watched, Nightmare Before Christmas. My favourite Christmas film alongside The Grinch. I realised that Jack the Pumpkin King sums how I feel today perfectly.

What’s this?
The monsters are all missing
And the nightmares can’t be found
And in their place there seems to be
Good feeling all around

The sights, the sounds
They’re eveywhere and all around
I’ve never felt so good before
This empty place inside of me is filling up
I simply cannot get enough

I don’t know if it’s just the Christmas happiness that’s in the air, or the fact that I’ve got a day off but I really do feel hopeful. Sure I’m dizzy from lack of Prozac and I feel frightened by all the changes I’m making. But somehow I feel in control and I never thought I’d ever feel that. Just by spending today entirely selfishly I’m filled with a love for myself which makes me feel like I have even more love for everyone else.

I even like my shadow self today, I don’t mind that I’m full of dark thoughts sometimes. Today I absolutely do not mind that I am who I am and I think if we all want to give ourselves a Christmas gift it should be that…. Self love and the freedom to be all we can be.

Merry Christmas Everyone I hope you feel stuffed with happiness and I hope you know that we all make the world go round….. and we all matter.

“So to all Merry Christmas & to all a good night!”