Firstly, thank you so much to all of you who read my first ever blog and for all your kind words of encouragement and support and most of all thank you for sharing your stories with me, I cannot tell you how much you have helped me to keep walking down the road that will hopefully lead me back to my soul….. One step at a time.
On writing my first blog the dose of Prozac I was taking had already been dropped from 40mg to 20mg and finally to 10mg, all under the supervision of a doctor and more importantly for me a counsellor over a period of the last 6 months… I was actually feeling ok when I wrote ‘Punk Coming Off Prozac’ last week…..
However these last few days I’m not so good. I am feeling things so intensely. I am becoming frighteningly honest with people and I am frightened. Oh don’t worry I still love to have fun and to laugh and to see the rainbow in every storm but I’m not as compliant as I was, I’m not such a zombie, the mirage that Prozac gave me is slowly fading. Even though I didn’t feel like I could fit in to society on Prozac, off it I’m even more of a misfit and now the only excuse for that – is me.
How it all began……
An obsession with a giant chocolate Easter bunny!
Everyone who takes Prozac has a story to tell, the reason or the moment which leads them blindly to the never ending ring road of “The Nothing”. Parts of my story are actually quite amusing, so please do feel free to laugh at my almost Alan Partridge esq breakdown.
It was Easter 1997 and I was 23 years old. I believe there were 2 factors which put me in the Prozac coffin…
The first cause of my mental collapse was that I had been bulimic since the age of 12 (I was by this time 23, so bulimia had clouded my vision for 11 years). The bulimia had been brought on as a result of a dancing teacher telling me my boobs were too big to fulfil my dream of becoming a dancer. She suggested I have a breast reduction. Of course I didn’t want to take such drastic action by going under the knife at age 12 and thankfully my parents would never have allowed me to anyway, so the only solution….. I went on the first of many diets, to starve my boobs away and the result of that was my boobs got bigger and I got a fixation on food that literally took over my life….. The condition known as bulimia, was now a ghost on my shoulder.
The second reason I lost my mind was in a way less troubling, yet more dramatic and it’s psychologically proven that the two are in fact connected……
I had found myself in a relationship where I received the most love I’d ever encountered in my life – but I also got physically abused on a regular basis by that same man…. This ranged from having cigarettes put out on me, to being strangled whilst having my head smashed against the floor, to just a good old fashioned beating…. Dramatic? Yes I guess but I’m a tough cookie and I’m not looking for sympathy here. I’m telling you this so you understand the day Prozac saved my life…. Yes, you see Prozac was the fairy tale for me once upon a time.
The Psychotic Incident…..
It was the Saturday before Easter Sunday 1997 and I had starved myself secretly for 4 days. The reason for that (here comes the Alan Partridge esq bit) I had seen a giant chocolate Easter bunny in the local supermarket and it was to be my treat. To me, it was a bulimics holy grail of a chocolate bunny, it cost £30, the detail was exquisite and it looked like it would change my life, cure my bulimia, make my psycho boyfriend love me again, take away the fact that he punched me in the stomach the night before and that bunny might even make me beautiful. A magical chocolate bunny and it would be mine!
However, when I arrived at the supermarket that day, the saintly chocolate bunny had gone! All of them, every single last bunny had been sold! As a bulimic I had to leave it until the last minute to buy it or I’d lose control around it, binge, be sick and Easter would be ruined…. And now because of this silly illness Easter was ruined anyway – my saviour bunny had gone!
I tried to stay calm, I really did, but the world started closing in on me, everything I’d bottled up, every hurt, every skipped meal and every bit of hate that I had for myself burst out of me and I’m afraid to say the whole display of Easter eggs got it! I absolutely flipped out….shockingly, in this moment of madness, every cell in my body was actually calm, calmer than I had been in a very long time – but I absolutely trashed every single Easter egg I could get my hands on in that supermarket!
Hilarious really, and if we are honest wouldn’t we all like to mash up the shelving on shop floors every now and then? I guess I basically had a massive tantrum and it saved my life because as a result of my episode I was rushed off to a mental hospital.
Suddenly I was forced to look at my bulimia, to look at my relationship and to look at my life….. and that’s when and where I found Prozac…. Much more of a saintly saviour than any chocolate bunny or at least I hoped it would be.
I did find courage with Prozac to leave my abuser, my bulimia on Prozac was almost instantly cured. I remember walking through the town where I grew up and seeing things so clearly. It was like before Prozac my head had been a draw full of messy papers – but on prozac those papers had been filed neatly away, categorised and labelled. As I walked along the river of my childhood I thought, wow this must be what normal people feel like…. I thought I’d finally been blessed, I could live like everyone else, what I didn’t know was that I had actually just sold my soul to another type of devil. The chocolate bunny boiler was now a zombie……
Thanks for reading again… I hope it hasn’t been too serious or long (this will be the longest one) I hope my chocolate bunny story has made you laugh a little and I hope you’ll continue to share your stories with me and read my blog and my account of being a Punk On Prozac.
Next blog I’ll tell you how I came to stay on it for 15 years and my diagnosis…..
I’ll post on twitter @sjhoneywell to let you know when the next blog is up – love SJ x
Punk On Prozac 
I’ve read both your blogs now and it just goes to show what an amazing person you actually are. A bit of banter and a laugh and joke on twitter and you think you know someone, well you dont. I had no idea, then why would i, who or what you actually were, but im now convinced that you really are someone worth knowing. Just make sure you keep up the fun on twitter 😉
Another startling beautiful and honest blog. Brought a few tears up. Thank you. Keep writing and keep going. You are clearly a special girl. I’m sure you have some loving people around you too.
SJ your honesty touches me. Im suffering from stress related depression at the moment & terrified being on drugs. I know how strong you are and hope i can be the same. You are an inspiration. Thank you
Sj, so surprising to read your story. You have laid yourself bare to the world and given yourself to your readers. I can only describe your honesty and bravery to share this as amazing. We all know you as the funny, happy and sometimes nutty tv personality. By sharing your story you have shown your vulnerable side. I can only share my admiration of you and hope to read more of your blog, hope its maybe the start of a book.
An inspiring story, you have the support of many as you continue your journey to inner peace and happiness
Thank you for sharing. Though my trigger was very different, many of the fears and results have been the same or similar. I was terrified, and indeed still am. That MY answer to the problems I face, will return. Suicide. When I was most ill and out of control, it seemed the only answer and a beautiful calm came upon me. To this day , the prospect of being in that calm, and unable to stop my self, terrifies me.
I am supported by an amazing woman, my wife, and great doctors. So fingers crossed.
He you have or find the same. X
Wow. I’m so grateful for someone being so honest. I live everyday behind the mask. It’s so brave and good of you to post these. I hope that coming off Prozac gets easier and feeling things more turns into a positive xxxxx
SJ you are a beautiful human being, you always have been. “Normal” is a word that drives me crazy, I don’t want to be “normal”, never have and I’m glad I’m not, especially as my son has ASD. He isn’t considered “normal” by society but that’s good. If every one was normal life would be dull. Where would the mad eccentrics be and the artistic lunatics, the pagans, the punks, the revolutionaries, the people who go out there and change our world for the better. You are one of those people, and maybe you aren’t normal, but hey, I’m glad you are alive xxxx ( normal is great if it’s who you are and you are happy )
It has to be said i thoroughly admire your candour. In my old place of work people found out i was on anti depressants, some treated me with a gentle approach. Some with the attitude that it was all in my head.
I now work somewhere else and because of the stigma i now know to be attached to my condition. I have told no one. I hide my problems behind a joker. The reality is i feel little or no emotion other than anger about feeling little or no other emotions. Even my long term partner doesn’t really know what goes on in my head because i am terrified i will scare her off with our 2 lovely children.
I have read your poem punk on prozac.would it be possible for you to tell me and your followers about the adverse side effects, so as to warn other people on it or thinking of trying it, about the dangers of addiction. just like in your song luv and magic you have so much magic in you sarah jane, and i have found the rainbow in you … shine on u crazy diamond…david cardwell ooo
I have also had an ED since the age of 18….nearly 26 YEARS now….mine is anorexia….this is why i have lots of friends on FB who are ana or mia?i want to try and help others like me who have this terrible disease?but its rarer for men to have it?at 18 my doctor had no idea how to treat me or even diagnose me?it was only later in life i knew what i had…its still with me and always will be….its just i can control it better now..
Hope this helps you and if you ever need to talk to a fellow sufferer just mail me?
Kev
Again wow, I’m shocked to read the bunnie story about you, sadened by your abuse and eating disorder… But glad that you found away out its just a shame that your doctor let you become dependant on Prozac and not monitored and slowly reduced it earlier, it worries me that you were allowed to use it for such a long time… You are a beautiful woman and I hope you now are on the way to happiness.. Take care and I look forward to your next installment. X
just like you sarah jane. i was burnt with cigaretts, held captive and smashed 0ver the head with boulders until i passed out, only to awake and smell my hair on fire,.they jumped and down on me and my lungs and nostrils were filled with smoke. a passerby saw the smoke and chased them away.i was only a child then. i had 3 tear drops tattooed at the corner of my left eye, when i got older, as a permanent reminder of that day.you are the first person to know the meaning of those tattooed tears sarah jane. i know by showing courage and honesty in writing punk on prozac you will banish the dark clouds, because what comes after the rain…a rainbow of course, sometimes if your lucky a double rainbow. you are the only person i have told this to and the first person i have wriiten this to. i know you above all people will understand this.on that was the day of the black clouds,the day the black curtain closed, the day the fairy lights went out, the day the fairies wept. you are like a beautiful white christmas tree with glowing fairy lights lighting up the darkest corner….you even put one of your wee dolls at the top…from your biggest fan david.
hi, sj, i am davids sister and just had to let you know that david (DC) has passed away peacefully on 29.08.2013…..he had beaten his demons and he hoped that you would too…he didnt know how to use the computer and would ask me to help him write to you….i used to be really impatient with him but i would always let him on to your site…he had tattoos of you and your cd,s and wee dolls he would send you flowers at your panto and when you wrote to thank him he was overjoyed….there is a fbsite about him rip dc belfast 2013..he was the original belfast punk back in the day….if you look at his photo you will know what i mean……as david would say……love and magic sj……..x
I’m so so sorry to hear this. How old was he?
Please send all my love to the family and I am sending him a big hug.
Thank you for letting me know.
Much love
SJ XXX
Hope your having a good weekend SJ x
Hi SJ , always liked u on the childrens shows u were so natural & instinctive , my children responded 2 that . And for a lot of wee ones you were that positive , nurturing figure , maybe the only one . You may have a legacy there xxx
Just trying 2 connect SJ , am crap at technology !!! , best wishes & no matter where your brain is at your still amazing !!!! X
I have to say, that I am shocked that a stunning natural beauty like you could have seen such pain. That smile always enbiggened my heart three sizes. Hard to imagine that none of that projected joy was reflecting back into you. I yearn that you find true peace and joy for yourself, you simply must deserve some.
Sounds like you’re going through a similar ‘recovery’ to me, Sarah. I was on Flouxetine for a very long time and, after reading your first blog, I wasn’t really surprised to read that you too, found that it snips off both ends of your emotions and you felt you were a bit of an emotional ‘zombie’ with your happy and sad ends ‘snipped off’ as I like to refer to it. We end up somewhere in the middle. Don’t get me wrong at all, SSRI’s are a fantastic solution to depression, but they are really only a short term ‘fix’! I’m not sure that GPs are ‘dishing them out like sweets’ as some people seem to think. At least that’s not my experience, anyway. My own Doctor prescribed them for me, and I had to have a monthly review with him to see how things were going and I think all GPs should do the same. After six months or so, I came off them, but soon went back for more.
This second time around, he suggested counselling sessions to help and it did work in the short term, but I’ve carried on taking them for years (currently on Paroxetine). The problem we ‘users’ have, is that we get too comfortable with them and, as they have no side effects (not for me, at least) and they are safe to take, we rely upon them and this makes coming off them quite a scary thought because we’ve psychologically relied upon them!
I absolutely understand your being ” frighteningly honest with people ” and that is all part of the recovery process…It’s normal…Please don’t worry too much about that….Actually, as a bloke, it’s probably more difficult for me as I’m supposed to hide my feelings and get on with life, but there you go :-)!!!
I’ve decided to stop taking them now, and have been off for about a month. I feel OK, but must confess to feeling a little down at the moment. I haven’t felt like this for a long time and perhaps I should have carried on taking them, but there comes a time when we have to stop. I suddenly remembered your blog here, so I thought I’d have a read again…I didn’t intend to comment, but I feel the same as you (sort of, we’re all different, but Prozac tends to make us all very feel similar)
Best of luck coming off them!
Al X
Love this blog. Is interesting listening to someone a similar age and how you see your illness
[…] came the chocolate bunny boiler incident and I was put on fluxoetine. Prozac definitely helped the ‘trance mode’ but I […]