I am best known as that oh so irritatingly happy happy Cbeebies presenter on Tikkabilla, Higgledy House & Mighty mites. In reality I’m just another 30 something with many skeletons in my closet…. And the biggest skeleton is that I am actually a Punk On Prozac.
“Aha”, I hear you say! “She is one of the, ‘Shiny, happy, people’ we read about, a fraud in happiness, the smile is there but the light in the eyes burned out long ago…… We just knew no one could be that happy!”
Well let me dispel right now the – they’re always happy myth, about us Prozac zombies, we are just that….. Zombies, often misdiagnosed and in a fluoxetine fog trying to fathom out if on this drug we will ever fit in to a society in which we have to hide our filthy addiction, because deep down you will all judge us, even our close friends and family judge us and use it against us. On Prozac we are neither able to reach a state of blissful happiness or can we delve indulgently in to the depths of despair, we are numb, controlled and indeed the effects of taking prozac have even been described by, Joseph Glenmullen in his book, Prozac Backlash, as a “chemical lobotomy”…
I’ve been taking prozac for 15 years and I’d be inclined to agree with Joseph Glenmullen M.D. My soul is slowly dying and that’s the reason I am writing this blog – to log my experiences of my adulthood addiction to ‘chemical happiness’. I’ll explain why I started taking it and how I’ve come to stay on it for long.
But for now here’s a poem I wrote about it I hope it explains the experience of being a Punk On Prozac
And there I am by night and day
A drugged up web trapped in play
And I can hear my whispers say
A curse be on me if I stay
Inside a Prozac nation
I don’t know what this curse will be
And yet It takes me steadily
And little others care for me
Inside my Prozac nation
Hear the system mournful holy
Chanted loudly chanted lowly
Til my blood is frozen slowly
And my eyes are darkened wholely
Bathed in medication
Eyes widen, muscles quiver
Nervous system caught in shiver
Through the high that runs forever
A spinning Prozac nation
Moving through the mirror clear
That hangs before me every year
Shadows of my past appear
The shapes of my creation
But in the web I still delight
The drug that weaves the crazy sights
To find the switch that brings the light
That is my prozac nation
Of course if you are taking prozac I’m not a doctor, I just want tell my story to whoever wants to listen – I’m just spring cleaning those skeletons.
I’ll keep you updated about my next instalment of ‘Punk On Prozac’ on my twitter feed @sjhoneywell – I look forward to hearing your comments about my blog. Thank you for reading SJ X
Wow, powerful stuff. This is going to be interesting……
I thought you were an amazing person from twitter, and after reading that blog i now know you are, briliantly honest and i love the poem…
Excellent blog, a must read for, well anyone really. I look forward to reading more of your blogs very soon. A talented, interesting and honest girl who should be on tele much more. Much more to offer than many ‘celebs’ clogging the airwaves and screens right now.
A Dr asked me why I wanted to come off escoralopram. I replied. ‘it was a temprey measure to get me through the dark days of Postnatal Depression. Able me to function. 3 years have past, I feel it’s time to ween off them. So don’t let the talk you out of it!
I acted as People expected me to behave, I seemed myself! But I was not myself.
Always thinking of you Xxx
Great blog and insight to the world of Prozac. Maybe my lack of understanding but what prevents you stopping this long dependency?
Took alot of courage. Only builds my admiration for you as a person. Not a character off the telly. Kudos to you! X
I wasn’t going to reply to this but it’s only right to share. I struggled with Zoloft addiction for 6 years. Relationship issues, work issues, death and general life issues. I made the decision last year that I had to come off it or I would remain a shell. Towards the end of last year a friend of mine, someone you know quite well, finally gave me the final push to stop completely. This type of addiction is hell but as well as medical help I’m a true believer in the support of your mates. I will never forget what my mate did for me and I will always be there for them too. By sharing and supporting we can all help each other. Thanks for the blog SJ xx
I am in tears for you.
That’s so articulated and has summed up how I have felt but found it so difficult to put into words. I truly admire you for clearing out those skeletons, not sure if I would ever be brave enough to do so….they are stored ever so tightly away in memory boxes, although just occasionally one or two threaten to open….not good.
I am sending you a massive hug and so pleased that you have found the strength to do this. Xxx
Thankyou for this. I’ve only just come to the point of acknowledging the depression & stress I’ve managed to put at bay for some time now. Personal circumstances, work pressures have all converged and I feel I’m starting a long & lonely journey to get myself sorted. I look forward to the rest of your blogs
Sarah Jane, this is a great blog post – thanks for sharing. The very best of luck to you. I’m hoping to come off Citalopram next year…
As I said on Twitter this is a lovely post. One not many people would write. I said I had written a poem similar, I’ve been on many medications but this is from when I first went on Prozac so thought I’d share:
I’m just another member of the Prozac nation,
Another person who’s turned into a patient.
A faceless person absorbed into humanity,
Whose mind has turned her towards insanity.
Just another member of the Prozac family,
Where we are all supposed to get along happily.
Will it take my feelings, thoughts back to a time
Where the problems and actions had yet to be mine?
We all belong to the Prozac community,
Life has become a place of so much insecurity.
Where my punishment is my only release,
and all those tiny tablets my final release.
I’m an addition to the Prozac takers.
Trying to come to terms and meet my maker.
Forever confused by the world around me
Wondering if this special drug will set me free.
Another person to add to the Prozac Children.
Scared and hurt by some selfish humans.
It’s hard to see what is going on in her head,
Well, easy to see now she’s ended up dead.
I tried it. It made me cough. So they put me on citalipram.
It is refreshing to see a celebrity who appears as a bouncy, happy go lucky person who’s job, ironically, is to cheer people up!
The mask of happiness and contentment continues to be the stoic veil of societal expectation. Revealing the truth that lies within can only inspire others to do the same.
SJ is an incredibly beautiful, intelligent, successful woman who endeavours to steer the rudder of morality through troubled waters.
Well said jack,, money and success don’t always make you happy, depression strikes anyone at anytime regardless of wealth or health..
Unless you find the root cause pills will just mask what’s truly going on, I hope you succeed in your personal battle.
SJ
I’m come off Twitter so can’t contact you via that but just wanted to say how much I admire you for writing your blog.
It cannot be easy being so honest and open about your experiences. I am sure – as you no doubt hope – it will help others share theirs as well and and/or allow them to gain an understanding that others are going through similar troubles.
Keep going, and most of all keep on being YOU – we need more people in this world unafraid to let their individuality, character and intelligence shine through and help inspire others do the same.
Best of luck in the future and lots of love and happiness, Ed
PS COYR!
1st time I went 2 c good family dr when mood swings began , I was 18 , he said
“we’re not made of tin ”
How cool was he !!x
I’m 45 now SJ , & still journying : )
1st time trying Prozac did feel ” unreal”
Some years later tried it again , no real
Effect . Now after many tries at different
Anti-dpsnts now on citalopran 50mg as
Well as lithium 600mg .
Things do come along 2 bugger up the”
harmony” but life being life could happen
To anyone , & the majority of time is never
personal . Good chance the habit of personalising “everything” is the culprit here !! Building on the little victories is not 2 be overlooked . I also try & negate any internal
Put downs , even when I don’t feel strong .
Your expressions are very familiar & reassuring SJ . U r very articulate & insightful
Half the battle is recognition , I think u do
Need to go thro’ the “fire” to be “purified”
From all the stuff that is pointless , like
Distorted beliefs , & stuff that has no place
In your life . Maybe this mental unrest is
Symptomatic , like the physical .
The body / mind like a baby crying , can only
Alert u 2 the problems , hardwired 2 care
4 you : )
We are not crazy , we are just not
“made of tin ”
Best wishes
Linty loo X
Hi there Sarah, brilliant posts they are really powerful. I’ve never suffered from bulimia myself (although I can relate to the love of chocolate and not buying it because of binging) nor taken medication, but like others I know people who have (and still are). I’ve seen the changes in them. I really admire your courage, your strength and your openness. You’ve hit a really good note with these stories, keep it up and keep posting. Stewart
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